Elevators

Here are guidelines to keep in mind when building elevators, because it would be neato to make elevators for a living:

1. An elevator without a mirror is a waste of metal. The real reason to ride in an elevator is so you can look at yourself in the mirror, and, preferably, make funny faces.

2. Elevators should have chandeliers. If I owned an elevator manufacturing company, I would name it Otis Chandelier Transport, because the word “Otis” just fits perfectly with the word “Chandelier”.

3. If you’re going to carpet an elevator—puhleeze—everyone knows you should use orange shag.

Here are some fun things to do to make elevator rides more enjoyable for everyone in the elevator with you:

1. Bring a basket of laundry on and fold it, making little piles here and there.

2. Just keep blowing your nose and throwing the crumpled tissues in the center till you have a nice little pile for someone else to pick up.

3. Take off your right shoe and sock, then sit in the corner cross-legged and inspect your ring toe, picking at it every once in a while.

4. Walk on with a boom box playing Barry Manilow and sing along “I write the songs that make the young girls cry.”

5. Take a poster of Elvira and unfurl it. Then, look at it as if you’re inspecting a great work of art. Every now and again, grunt as if to say, “Hm. Not sure about this.”

I’m pretty sure that whatever I write is going to be completely lost in the cacophony of cackling that will be drizzling down the page from my husband’s section. I walked by the office this morning and he was downloading photos and laughing. How am I supposed to compete with that?

So, a question: do you think it’s true that if you are in a falling elevator and you manage to jump up in the air just when it hits bottom, you’ll be saved? This is indeed a troubling dilemma.

I actually don’t ride in elevators that often. We live one floor up, so we usually walk. Partly for exercise, and partly to escape the inevitable face contortions (and ensuing cackles) that my husband and my son are genetically required to perform whenever there is a mirror in sight. Meg and I get tired of having to roll our eyes at them.

When I work at Red Hat, I do have to ride the elevator and this requires much more decorum (thank goodness!) One must stand in the lobby after pushing the call button and watch for which one of four elevators will be arriving next. Then one must shuffle in with the herd, being careful to greet the others in a not-too friendly way while trying to get in the right position, taking into account the numbers that have been pressed to find one’s proper place in the exit order. Upon exiting, one must mutter “’Ta logo.”

Happy riding.