Sneezing

If you’re going to sneeze, you may as well do it BIG. This is why I already know what Heather is going to write: she’s going to tell you that I “sneeze with my vocal cords.” In fact, I am so sure of this that I think she should buy me an ice cream sundae as a reward (if she does, indeed, use those very words in her post). Is there anyone out there to support me in that?

To me, it helps if I vocalize while sneezing. Most commonly, I will say “Ah CHA!!!” when I sneeze. That’s right: not “ah-choo”, but rather, the classier “Ah CHA!!!”

Speaking of classy, have you ever sneezed and passed gas inadvertently at the same time? I, uh, haven’t, but I, uh, just wonder what that would, uh, be like.

Heather, by the way, has the most normal sneeze I’ve ever heard. This is one reason I married her.

Also, I enjoy sneezing while chewing nuts or apple chunks or anything that will produce shrapnel out one’s face portal. I think it would be great to capture a moment like that on camera. It would be even funnier if a chunk of sumthin’ turned rebel and decided to go up your nasal passage, instead of out your mouth, thereby getting lodged in your snot canal.

One final note: it’s great when someone laughs and sneezes at the same time. Those are moments to cherish forever.

Let me just start by saying that I am not a dainty sneezer. I am prone to the boisterous Grant sneeze. I’m just saying.

That said, I’ll move on to my real point. Sneezing should not require the use of vocal chords. (Nor should other things that are best left unsaid at this time, but my hubby knows what they are. Ahem, Troy. And no, it’s not THAT, people. Get your minds out of the gutter!)

Back to the topic at hand: when Troy sneezes, it’s the loudest thing EVER. He says “A-CHAAAAAAAAAA” at the top of his lungs. It’s explosive. For some reason, he has chosen to reject the traditional “ACHOO” for reasons unbeknownst to mankind.

Our friend Kristen has the tiniest little sneezes ever. She sounds like a kitten. And Nic’s preschool teacher used to make him giggle because she sneezed “A-chiiis”. I don’t know if that is the correct Spanish sneeze or if it was just her.

A good sneeze every once in awhile is satisfying. But a torrent of sneezes brought on by allergies or a cold is just plain tortuous. And woe unto you if you don’t have a tissue (or pack) at hand. I can remember once in high school during some sort of standardized test (ACT or SAT or some other random test with an acronym), I sneezed into my hand, had no tissue and could do nothing about it until the next break. Ew.