Our dog

…is smart, too smart for her own good.
…is cheeky.
…would make a nice football, if I were a punter.
…has eaten three pair of panties in one go.
…threw up the last pair of panties while I was receiving a ride home from a friend in our friend’s Lexus.
…is gross.
…farts.
…possibly has a reservoir of toxic waste in her intestines, from which her farts are produced.
…was licking our brown leather couch earlier today like it was a giant side of beef.
…likes to stick her nose in the garbage.
…likes to eat really disgusting things in said garbage, which I can’t mention here specifically, but the items in question begin with “mens” and end with “truation pads”.
…has been known to produce snot rags out her rectum.
…is often very cute.
…likes to have her paws rubbed.
…is loved much by our kids, which is the only reason she’s still alive today.
…gets to sit on our couch.
…is pretty.
…cannot be let off her leash.
…sometimes sounds like she’s speaking to us.
…will get up on all fours on top of our dining table, if we’re not watching her carefully.
…needs a bath right now like nobody’s business.
…is up for sale. Just kidding. Our kids wouldn’t allow it.
…has ears that could airlift her to Egypt should a strong enough wind catch them just so.
…ate the better part of our friend’s chicken dinner while we were away recently.

We have a beagle, Lexi. She turns six on July 5^th. It’s a good thing her birthday isn’t on the 4^th of July; I’m pretty sure that America would not be happy sharing its birthday with the likes of Lexi.

We do love our dog; she is part of our family (in a dog sort of way). But she tries our patience in NUMEROUS ways. Unfortunately, she has enough smarts and cuteness to make her dangerous; she seems like she should be well-behaved. Don’t be deceived by the cuteness. She also thinks she’s at least half human. Observe:

The best word I have to describe Lexi is “opportunist”. She is a master of making the most of even the tiniest chance to sneak into the garbage snout-first or stand on top of the dining room table.

We generally don’t leave her with people unless we don’t care if they continue to like us after the fact. Recently our friends/neighbors offered to watch her for a weekend. We dropped her off, and after delivering a 50-minute discourse on her evil ways, we left. Over the course of the weekend, she learned to jump on the pedal of the garbage can (why do you think ours is on top of the dryer outside the kitchen?) so she could stick her snout in. She also stole some/all of a freshly roasted chicken. I didn’t ask for details.

Fortunately, they seem to still be willing to be our friends. However, this week, the dog is going to the kennel.